Today we were in the woods, our whole pack. Fortunately, where my humans live, there is still some forest.

We animals love it there. And we’re sorry to see more and more what you’re doing to our planet. We think you humans haven’t succeeded to nature. You’re like from that fairytale tale about Otesánek (a Czech fairytale in which a little boy carved from a piece of wood ate his father and mother). You must have so many things that one day you will also eat our Mother Earth.

And then you perish. We will have no humans. We will be sad at first. But then we will get used to it and live again like wolves. And we will teach our children and their children to take only what they need from nature. Otherwise, we would end up like those two-legged creatures who once stayed with us and took care of us.

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I’ve had a lot of adventures lately. But I can’t force my lazy he-human to type my experiences and publish them on the Internet. My humans are busy, because they have their human puppies at the babahotel.

I have to explain to my foreign friends what a babahotel is. That is, when the grandchildren come to the grandmother to take a break from their hard duties, and my humans are their maids, butlers, cooks, entertainers, and purchasing managers.

My he-human explained to me that something like tiny animals proliferated at school, so the children can’t go there. I don’t know why this is such a problem. We dogs, if we have fleas, they will drop something on our necks and that’s it. But I’m really glad they closed the school instead of dripping something on their necks. Because they could come to us and I have a really big pack.

And now let me tell you something you won’t want to believe: they wanted to feed me beetles! My he-human ordered insect granules from a famous dog food manufacturer. He said that it is very ecological, because it is not entirely right if other animals to die for our pets. Beetles are also animals, but because they are small, you can to turn a blind eye to it.

Even as he carried the bowl, I sensed a snag. He looked as if she-human is about to unwrap his Christmas present. However, I show myself clearly and concisely: not by any chance! Am I a spider to eat insects? I licked the pate, didn’t even touch the pellets, and then pushed the bowl noisily across the dining room to express what I thought of his experiments.

Luckily we have a she-human. The she-humans, unlike somebody(!), have common sense and I do not understand what the he-humans would do without them. I heard her tell he-human she would never understand what was still fooling around with those granules. And that if he bought shares instead of granules that I would never eat anyway, then we are already millionaires.

People tend to have a special washing room in their homes. There are holes of various sizes in it and water flows into them. In the smallest of them, ma humans wash their hands. Sometimes they push me into the bigger one when we come from outside and they pour water on me. For some reason, my she human doesn’t like mud in the living room. My great-grandmother wolf bathed only when she had to cross the river exceptionally while hunting. No wonder the virus is rampant among people when they’re kind of prissy and still washing themselves. If they rolled in the mud from time to time and kept it up to bed, they would certainly be more resilient.

My humans go into the largest hole with water. And sometimes even both of them at once. They will take a bottle of red drink and olives there. They sit up to their necks in the water, drinking and chatting. It is a rare opportunity to hear my he human. Because he usually talks only after a glass of that red drink. First, I lean my front paws against the edge of the tub to see how my humans soak is in the water. But after a while there is nothing interesting for me, so I lie down on the ground and listen.

People think we don’t understand their language. But they are very wrong. We don’t have to understand words because we read thoughts directly. Well, there I heard something outrageous on the floor in the bathroom: the owners will get a puppy! What do they think!? Will he take up half of my lair? And will he eat half of my bowl? And will he take half of my humans? I didn’t have anyone in the puppy mill and now I have two humans just for myself. I will not share them with any small pamper. I will not !!!

If I were human, I would be terribly jealous. I would look crooked. And I would pretend to be sick. I would evoke terrible feelings of guilt in them. And maybe I’d pack my luggage and, screaming at the whole house, sobbing that I am leaving to my mother’s. Or to Rex, whom I know from the park, and who, unlike someone, can appreciate my qualities.

Fortunately, I’m not human. So I will just say to the little guy who’s the master here. And it will actually be nice, because we will play a lot together and perform tricks on our humans together. In fact, I’m already looking forward to him.

We dogs perceive reality differently than you people. To be more precise than adults. Young children still have the ability to explore the world in all its breadth, just like we have.

But it is probably in vain to explain it to you adults. Because you only believe what you see with your eyes, what you can reach for and what you can buy with your money.

But the real world is much, much more varied and wider than you think. Take the flaps out of your eyes for a moment. You will see elves, fairies and all the strange creatures that live there in the forest again. You will hear the trees talking to each other. You will get acquainted with the spirits of streams and rocks. I’ll strike up a bargain – you being happier then. Like small children, or we, dogs.

Before I reached my humans, I lived in a pupy mill. I was locked up there with many other dogs and we didn’t go out at all. But it was only four years. I’m out every moment now. I’ll catch up now. What are four years against the rest of my life?

At first I was afraid of the world out there. But now it’s a big adventure. And nothing just scare me. I’m always looking forward to when my humans start dressing.

I have already understood many things of the human world. But I don’t understand one. Why don’t some people go out when no one is keeping them in the puppy mill?

Anyway, why don’t people do what they love? What are they waiting for? Life brings twists. And what is obvious to us today may not be tomorrow. We dogs always do the best we can do at a given moment and what will bring us the greatest possible joy. We are not waiting for anything. We will do what we consider right now. And that’s why you’ll never see a dog with its head in its paws regretting that he missed something in life.

My he-human told me that people should learn from dogs. And that we could establish a school. And in it, me – Chica de Tulear, would teach people how they could be happier if they live like dogs. Isn’t that a great idea?

On Saturday I had a great adventure with my humans. The weather was nice, so we went to the rocks. Where I live now, there are beautiful rock massifs. I like to walk there with my humans. I am always on a leash, because my humans are afraid that I could fall from a high rock. As if they didn’t know I had an instinct. But you know, masters of creation – they think they know everything best.

That day is a strange holiday in the Czech Republic. Some people disguise themselves as St. Nicholas, an angel and a devil. And then they haunt children. I have never experienced it before, because no Nicholas has ever come to the puppy mill. I probably wouldn’t know it this year either, because Nicholas doesn’t go to my humans either.

But what the hell didn’t want, we met a Nicholas in those rocks. He had neither an angel nor a devil, and he climbed on all fours. He had only a small dog with him, and the poor man howled in fear. I was sorry for the dog, I wouldn’t want such a master. My he-human drink just one glass of red wine. Well, sometimes two. And he run on all fours only when he’s playing with me or his grandchildren.

The dog howled there because he was on one rock and his drunken owner in a white robe and high hat was crawling on another rock. And between them was an abyss as deep as a high house. His instinct told the dog that going after his irresponsible owner would be dangerous. So at least he called for help out loud. We dogs, unlike some people, have intelligence.

I’d rather not describe how my humans got the figure back across the abyss, because it was dangerous. They also used my leash. I saw everything up close, because my he-human had to hold me in one hand and with the other was pulling that creature together with my she-human. Nicholas’ staff fell into the deep hole. And a flat bottle too, which broke during the flight as it crashed into a rock. There must have been something very rare in it, because he looked quite unhappy about the loss. But we, together with his dog, rejoiced that he didn’t end up like his bottle.

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In the four years of my life, I knew nothing but the pens of a dog breeding. I thought the only purpose in life was to have puppies every six months. And they soon took it from me and sold it to people who didn’t care where it came from.

Now I see how wrong I was. Life has a much deeper meaning. We are here to please everyone around us. In my case, especially to the owners and their pack. Because all beings are happiest when they can make someone happy.

The owner told me that a lot of people are like the dogs from the breeding room. Their lives are empty. He does not see the true meaning of life. They think that their mission is just to make money, buy things and pay bills.

They have no idea that somewhere behind the walls of their mental prison there is a world in which life has meaning. I feel sorry for them. But I’m not surprised at such people. In the nursery, I also had no idea about the world out there.

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My humans have discovered a new expertise in themselves. They became nutritional therapists for canine beasts with a research specialization in the Coton de Tulear breed.

Parcel service brought them a box full of cans and small bags of granules. They based a written record for their research. Every day, they put granules from one of those bags into a bowl and write it down. Then they watch me and look like to be experimenters at CERN just before the discovery of the Higgs boson.

And me nothing. I push the bowl here and there. With their human intelligence, perhaps they will realize that they forgot to put pate in my bowl. But people react incredibly slowly. I don’t understand how with a bit slow on the uptake they could build a civilization. Fortunately, they finally understand. They write something in their transdisciplinary exploration records and mix a can into my granules.

With human training, we dogs have a really hard time. On the positive side, they understand slowly, but I finally reach the training goal. They understood that I would not eat the granules itselves, that they had to be mixed with canned food. I don’t know if the manufacturer of dog food will please with his applied research. It turned out that it does not matter at all what granules and what cans it is.

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I will never understand how humanity can exist for so many millennia. People are so impractical and ill-equipped that their survival of more than 24 hours must be considered a miracle.

Take, for example, the handicap that they do not have fur. They have to put on some impossible rags every morning to be alive in the evening and not to freeze..

He cannot hunt or feed in nature. When they are going on a trip, they cut supplies in the morning, which they shove into bags, which they then carry on their backs all day. However, I have to add to the goodness of my humans that they will also pack treats and water for me.

They walk only two legs. Of course, you can’t really get anywhere in this ridiculous way. They are therefore transported in stinking tin boxes on wheels, which make me sick.

They don’t have a whole brain in their head. I’m a little afraid that some of they may not have any at all. Substantial parts of their brain are housed in a variety of boxes that they carry with them. In one such box, they write where they want to go and it gives them orders. “After fifty meters, turn left.” People obey these commands of the external brain indefinitely without getting a treat.

Well, let me tell you, I’m always happy to be back home. Because, if my humans lost any of their external parts, I would probably have to take them home myself. And that could go wrong. I admit that after those years in the puppy mill, I also don’t have the same instincts as my great-grandmother wolf used to be.

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People are very predictable. And they wonder about it. When my she-human says to my he-human “just look, she already knows we’re going somewhere”, she means telepathy, the third eye and parallel universes. I don’t want to say that we dogs do not use telepathy, the third eye and we cannot move in parallel realities. But I don’t need quantum mechanics or superstring theory to know that we’re going on a trip. All I have to do is see with one slightly ajar eye from my lair packing their backpack.

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